She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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