I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
