Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
