so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
