genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
