seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
