where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Randomize
