My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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