I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
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