Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
you never un-have a 4some
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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