When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
