That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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