Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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