I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
