Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize