There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
