Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
