mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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