I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
