a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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