I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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