So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
