I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
