Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
