What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
