turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
