We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
