I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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