Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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