There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You may now shotgun with the bride
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
