u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
