I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize