I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
