He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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