there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Randomize
