shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
