I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
