if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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