God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
