She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
