I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
