Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
