i would punch a child for taco bell
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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