I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
