There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
