Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
