god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
