I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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