I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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