i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
