If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
