Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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