I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
