I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
