between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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